Challenging 2014

2014. A challenging, faith-testing, and heart breaking year in my 27 years of existence. Yet, it was also the year when I realized how blessed and loved I am. As this year closes, I want to record the highlights of my year through this blog entry.

When this year started, I have a heavy load on my shoulder since I already know that I have stage-4 Chronic Kidney Disease. When I talked to God during the first day of the year, my prayer was “Lord, I do not understand what’s happening but let me accept this and allow me to do Your will. I want to serve You more, Lord, just lead me to where and what You want me to do.” I never thought that things would be very difficult for me with each passing day.

During the World Singles Congress 2014 at Batangas, I allowed myself to just pour out everything during our worship and that gave me a lot of hope. It was a very refreshing weekend with my fellow SFL and it helped me to accept the situation I am in at that moment – sick, jobless, heartbroken. I was really empty at that time but God filled me with His love.  It has been God’s way of preparing me for the greatest challenge that I would be facing.

Two weeks after WSC, the doctor told me that my disease progressed rapidly to stage 5. Having that very heavy heart, I run to my Father to pour my heart out. I do not understand why it has to happen, why I have to experience this, yet I still told Him to give me strength because I still would want to serve Him and this sickness won’t stop me from doing it. The following weeks came like a blur. I got confined, got an operation, and has started on dialysis – something I was hoping I wouldn’t go through but I had to. Everything was just like a dream to me, hoping that I would wake up one day and I’m healthy again, but it isn’t. I thought it was the end of everything, there was really this one instance in the hospital when I can’t bear the pain anymore and I asked God to just take me because I can’t stand it anymore.

One night at the hospital, I learned to surrender everything to Him. I was praying to God, telling Him I can’t take it anymore. I was crying so hard that time. My mother was sleeping at the foot of my bed when she suddenly reached for my feet and told me “Anak, kaya mo yan.” I looked at her, and she was still sleeping. I realized it was God telling me that I can do it so that night I surrendered all the hurts and pains to Him.

Those three weeks in the hospital were really the darkest days of my life. On the other hand, it was also the best times when God let me feel His unending love and great power in my life. That realization dawned on me when I attended the Palm Sunday mass at the hospital. It felt like everything that the priest was saying was for me. I was crying during the mass and it was the first time that I felt that I was not just attending but celebrating the mass.  That Holy week, I understood the importance of Jesus’ passion, death and resurrection since I myself was able to experience God. Celebrating His resurrection in my heart was the best feeling that I had during all the darkness that I’ve experienced. It was as if I shared the pain that Jesus had felt thousands of years ago.

That was the turning point of my life. The time when I surrendered everything to God, the time when He showered me with His love and blessings.  It was this time when He made me realize how much I am loved. My family had been my constant source of strength during the times that I wanted to give up, my friends had been my source of happiness in the darkness; they have all been my source of love that time, an overwhelming love I never thought I would ever feel.

I thought I’ve already felt so loved that time, but then God has more surprises for me. Unli Faith had been created by my closest friends in the parish and community. They had organized a project to raise funds for my kidney transplant and for my other expenses. During the film screening, I wanted to cry because of the overwhelming happiness that I felt when I saw a lot of people lined up at the cinema and they were all there to help me – a solid proof of how God provided for me. A lot of help from all the people I encountered in my life came.

God’s plans have been revealed slowly to me. During WSC 2013, I knew that God was telling me to go to missions, that was the constant message that I got during the conference and so I started praying for it. I was thinking what could I share? What could I give? But it was only after everything that happened that I realized that He is using my pains to glorify Him. I had been asked to go to missions and share God’ love and healing power in my life. It was the best experience that I had, sharing to everyone how great our God is if only we learn how to surrender everything to Him. Touching people’s lives, telling them about God, which has been my dream since I started serving in the parish, and now God is slowly making my dreams come true and it is the best feeling in my life.

Everything that happens in our life is a part of God’s great plans for us. We have to learn how to surrender everything to Him and trust in Him. This year, God allowed me to walk on waters and go beyond my limitations as a human being. Everything is grace, the product of God’s unconditional love for us. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the coming year but I am not afraid anymore because God, he has always and will always be with me. I might encounter more challenging experiences but one thing is for sure, if God, my family and friends did not give up on me, then I won’t ever give up on life and will continue serving God no matter what.

2014 has been a challenging, faith-testing, and heart breaking year but with God’s grace, I survived. J

happy 6 years

Today is a special day for me and since it is special, this blog entry is for a special man (next to my Father) in my life.

To my dearest best Jeff,

Happy Anniversary! It has been six years since our paths crossed. And today, I want to remind you of the best memories I had with you. :) (NP: Wag Ka Ng Umiyak by Sugarfree... my song for you)


Chem 40.1 (Biochem lab) (2007)
This is when I first met you but we're just lab mates. It was only during those "petiks" moments that I really get to know you. Remember that moment when each one of us was asked by Sir Bry about a certain personal question? I think you remember that because I was asked about my boyfriend at that time. I can't find the pictures we had during our chem 40.1 classes but I still have the ticket during our sem-ender. :)

November 2, 2008. It was this year that we became the best of friends or well it was November 2 when we decided to call each other "best".

I became active in UP BSAP this year since I was a new member then. It was October 2008, during the sem-ender (at the end to be exact) when the ice between us was finally broken because of your question "Kamusta na kayo ng boyfriend mo?" to which I said, "Hindi mo ba alam? Wala na kami..." And there, since the pain was still fresh and I just started talking to people again during that time, I found comfort in sharing that pain with you. I think I should be thankful that I lost him since that was the reason why I found you. :) And since then you have been the number one fan of my lovelife (haha i know you're not)

This photo was taken during our BSAP Christmas Party - our first Christmas as bestfriends. I remembered we had this activity where we need to tie a  string to people we'd like to thank and of course I'm happy that you tied one in my wrist, and I did the same too. :)

Best, do you remember this? These are the bus tickets when we went to UP Manila. It was January 10, 2009 (I wrote the date at the back of the tickets). It was the first time we went out together that's why it's very memorable for me. I loved the bonding we had at Baywalk after. We just talked and get to know each other better and it's simply wonderful.

December 2009 when you introduced me to your band and barkada during your jamming at Red Damien. It was nice seeing the other side of you - the musician. I enjoyed the company of your bandmates who turned out to be good friends of mine too. They're very welcoming and I thank you so much for letting me know people like them.

Year 2010

I was your fan/proud bestfriend when you joined BaCHEle of the Bands. It was one of the memorable experiences for us and BSAP I guess. For me, this was next to ACHEndance where I participated. That was also memorable because you were not able to watch it and watch me dance but you dropped by before it started to give me encouragement and say "Best, bakit ganyan yung damit mo?", pertaining to my semi-daring outfit that night. :))

Happy Valentine's Day! This post at the window of our college really made me smile that V-day. Never thought you'd do this. Simple but sweet. You have another post in that window for your first love where you used chem terms (remember that?) that's sweet. <3 br="" nbsp="">

This photo was taken during your first gig at Center for Arts and me, being the manager of TKE was there to support you though this bar was so far. And again, I was so proud when you started playing on stage.

UP Fair Dates. If I'm not mistaken, these were the UP fair tickets from 2011-2013. I enjoyed going to the fair since we started going there together. It was like our annual date except this year since I was already sick that time. I remembered during 2012, I was holdaped on my way to UP and when I saw you I just hugged you tight and I felt safe again. It was the muddy fair so it turned out to be a different kind of adventure. 2013 fair? haha let's forget about it :-P

This was taken during MP's jam last year, day before our anniversary. I remembered we were not okay before we met so I bought your favorite mango cake  as peace offering. :) We'd been through a lot of fights but I'm glad we get through it and it just made our friendship stronger.

This year, 2014, was the best year of our friendship for me. It was the toughest year in my entire life but you were with me always, fighting with me and giving me strength. It was you who I texted first when I found out about my sickness and you never failed to comfort me all throughout this misery. I will never forget this day (our picture in the hospital) for it was this day that I was so depressed in the hospital and I told you to go but you said you can't because you don't have clothes to wear. I was surprised when I got out of the operating room because Nanay told me that you were there. That effort meant a lot to me, best. 

November 29, 2014, this was the last time we went out after months of not seeing each other. I must admit that I miss you so bad but you know what? I'm happy that you're happy now and you've found the love of your life and of course, I'm your number one fan. We didn't see each other for almost six months but a few hours (with Ramen) was enough to keep our friendship intact.

Best, we've been through a lot. We've shared a lot of happy and sad experiences. I'm happy that our friendship lasted and I believe that we'll be counting more years together. These are just a few of the things that are very memorable for me. Next time, I'll post my favorite conversations (ym, text, and fb) that we had. :) Thank you best for these memories. I would like to tell you how thankful I am that I have a protector like you. You've been very protective to me for the past months and I really appreciate that. I'm guarding my heart because I don't want to cause any trouble to you anymore and because you made me realize my worth as a woman of God. I love you, best! I hope you enjoyed reminiscing with me. :)

Love,

Janers

when love isn't enough

love is too complicated... a cliche statement but we all know that it is true..everyone gets a bit crazy when it comes to love because you cannot and just simply use your intellect when it comes to this topic.yes, you read it right..it is not easy to use your intellect when it comes to love and you also cannot use just pure emotions..that makes it so complicated...

i've loved different guys in the past yet i've never learned to play this game called love. and yes, I am in love now at believe me, it is not easy to love him..he's the type of guy you can fall in love with so easily but what I'm experiencing now is what's not easy.

Andy is the kind of kind you can easily fall for...simply because he's simple..he says what he wants to say. he is a family man, which i like the most...has a good sense of humor...and the most important quality that I'm looking for in a guy - he is God fearing and a servant as well. he didn't come from a well-off family but he has a good heart. he is sensitive to the feelings of the people around him...and he cares a lot.. I could list more qualities here but let's get it to the point...Yes, I'm in love with this guys.. truly, madly, deeply in love with this guy.

we had been going out since november last year just to get to know each other more and through time, things had changed a lot. we had been more intimate now and yet, he doesn't love me. yes, he doesn't love me despite the fact that i'm deeply in love with him. why? i don't know as well.. and as i've said, we're intimate with each other..we hold hands when we go out..well, not everytime or the whole time but should we do that if there's nothing going on between us..and how many times have i cried over him? i cannot remember but one big deal between us was a girl..a friend of him since high school (if i remember it right)..who is in love with him as well..but yes, i said "was a girl"...well, basically because just a few days ago, he told me that he's sure now that he's not in love with the girl..he thought he likes her but now he's sure that he only like her as a friend...

just a few days ago i was crying every night just because of him and the girl...well, we've been seeing each other every day for months because I just like hanging out with them in the church..and that's been my way of releasing stress from everything..just being with him, just being there beside him, makes me feel better everyday...but then a week ago, that was wednesday, he told me that he already said goodbye to the girl..and of course I was happy but not for long..after a few minutes he also told me that we won't be seeing each other as well..that I should not go there (church) everyday and that he wants to be alone...and i was like "why me? why did you suddenly decided to do that? i'm not her" but of course i didn't tell that to him..i just told him that it's ok..if that's what he really wants.and so there goes my dark days...yes, i was crying every night thinking why..and until now i still don't have the answers...

i've been doing everything for him and yet i think love isn't enough...so now i'm asking myself if it is still right to love him...


Y by Parokya ni Edgar

Search your mind for the questions


Of the answers that I seek

Close your eyes just imagine

Us together walking down the street



Do you think this is crazy

I don't know that of which I speak

I don't care just as long as you are there

Watching, listening, or swaying to the beat



Tell me why should it matter

Tell me why should I even care

Of the things that could go wrong

Baby I can't hold for long

For you to know that I am there

Tell me why



Hear the words that I'm saying

Hear them echo in your heart

For I know at this moment



I know that I have done my part...done my part

A Sweet Day

For the longest time, I haven't been in a real date. Yesterday, I went out with someone special. We had been planning to go out together for a week or two but it was only yesterday that we finally went out. I was s nervous (yeah, like falling in love for the first time :D) because I don't know what to expect. Another thing that made me nervous was someone who saw us before we left our place - the girl who likes him. He was confused at first why I'm trying to avoid her but she saw us so no more reason to hide, I explained everything to him.

We went to a mall and I was glad that the first place we visited was the church in that mall. It was my first time to enter that church, and it was his first also. It feels so good praying there, beside him. I cannot explain why but it feels like we were praying for the same thing - that is, for God to guide our feelings. Why did I say it? Because the night before our date, we were talking about how we feel for each other and we really don't know exactly what it is but we told each other to just pray for it. I prayed that if this feeling is not right, then may God take it away from me now. However, I felt a different kind of happiness yesterday while I was with him. Happiness that is not caused just by feelings. I don't know how to explain it but it was a different kind of happiness - a serene and sweet happiness maybe.

I've known him for a few months and we've been close just after he celebrated his 21st birthday (oh yeah, I'm older). We've been texting for the past few weeks and I don't know where and when it started but our friendship seemed to take one step further. Is he courting me? I don't know. But he did tell me that he likes me and I've got what he is looking for in a girl. He's such a sweet guy and a perfect gentleman. It was funny because I'm not useed to being with gentleman. I've got a lot of guy friends but they're really not gentlemen because they treat me as a guy :D.

Anyway, after visitng and praying at the Chapel of the Eucharistic Lord, we went to timezone for videoke :D. He was telling me about our common friends who had a relationship and used to go to the same place to sing. Then, I thought he wanted to eat at DQ after singing because that's the main reason why we went out together - to eat ice cream. But when we get to DQ he told me that we should eat lunch first so we had lunch at SisigHooray! This was one of my favorite part of the said date because we had the chance to talk seriously. We talked about each other. He told me about his family and his friends and I don't know why I felt so close to him that time. He doesn't usually speak much but that time he was the one talking the most, and asking me questions. He was sharing a part of himself to me and I find that sweet. So finally we went to Dairy Queen to eat blizzard. Since DQ was full of people eating ice cream on a rainy day, we decided to walk again around the mall. We went to Worlds of fun but since we're still eating, we didn't entetr the store, instead we sat at the bench outide. This part was cute. A man was sitting in between us and we're sitting at both ends of the bench but we were texting each other. I can't help but smile coz even if we are not sitting beside each other, we still found a way to talk. Then after finishing the ice cream, we finally went inside the store and played game. He used most of the tokens in the game where you can get a stuffed toy but unfortunately, he wasn't able to get one. He told me that he wanted to give it to me if ever he would be able to get one.

So that was most of the story. That night, when I got home from work, he told me he was happy to be with me and to have time to talk to me personally. He told me he's not sure of what he's feeling but he's really happy to be with me. He told me that he missed me during the 24 hour period that we didn't text each other (sweet^_^).

As of now, we don't know and I don't know where this feelings will lead us but as I said, we were both praying for it. I feels good to be guided by God's will. And by the way, I met him at our church :)

back to my senses again

i'm back to my own self again :) yeah seriously i've been out of my mind in the past two weeks.. i even thought of leaving PYC for a while because i really don't know what to do..

i wasn't thinking straight during those times..i just felt "emo".. with my broken heart and my tears, i talked to my friends and told them my idea of leaving and much to my surprise... they got mad of me, and almost told me that i'm insane :))

that woke me up from my insanity, realizing that i shouldn't leave my position and of course my friends just because of one person.. he's just one and a lot of people will be affected if i leave.. i realized now that a lot of people love me and i'm just focusing on one person that's why i didn't notice it... they had always been there for me during my "emo" moments and i was just too preoccupied with the thought of happiness..the wrong thought of happiness that relies on one person alone...

one of my friends told me "kaya mo magmove on kung gugusthin mo".. and yes he was right. it's just a matter convincing myself that he's not the world :))

i am decided now... i'll focus on serving God and forget all the heartache :D i want to continue serving for my fellow youth and because this makes me happy.. i had been serving for the past 7 years of my life and more to come.. i'm moving on.. this time, believe me, i'm really moving on for the better.. ^_^

my wonderful 2010

year 2010 had been a great year for me, there had been a lot of trials yet i was able to surpass them all because of the people around me.. because of that, i think it's just right to thank those people now :)

una syempre sa family ko who were always there to support and love me. :)

to SG:
girls... sobrang miss ko na kayong lahat..salamat sa bonding moments at sa tulong sa thesis.. namimiss ko ung pagkain natin ng lunch together..salamat sa mga panahon na kasama ko kayo lalo na nung depressed ako ng bongga.

to my PYC family:
grabe and dami-dami nating pinagdaanan nitong taon.. as in sobrang dami.. haha nakita nyo na ako mabadtrip ng bonggang bongga because of irresponsibility.. i hope maging maayos na lahat sa PYC.. ayoko mawala as officer ng hindi ko naaayos ang mga bagay bagay.. saka pag nawala ako alam ko naman alam nyo na dapat gawin eh.. tandaan natin ang mga natutunan natin this year ok? :)
ryan-sobrang salamat sa laging pagpapasaya sakin pag alam mong down ako :) salamat din sa gift
geril-anak.. haha marami pa tayo pagsasamahan..salamat sa pagsunod sa demands namin kkahit minsan sobrang rush :)
jem-salamat sa mga bonding sa inyo at salamat sa efforts mo lalo na pagdating samin haha :P (gets?)


to my JLC family:
dami natin bonding moments this year and i must say na ito ung year na naging super close tayo sa isa't isa.. sayang di na tayo nakapag Christmas party.. at syempre naglevel up tayo this year :) sana mas madami pa bonding moments this year :P di ko makakalimutan ung bonding nung birthday ni Mikabelles! :) at syempre ung mga bonding sa tiende :)
Mika-siss super salamat sa mga stories :)
Mel-salamat sa pakikinig at pagdamay sakin that night :) (alam mo na yun)
ate angel-salamat sa panlilibre samin palage at sa pagpapasaya samin :)

to my PDYM family:
dami kong natutunan sa inyo..lalo na on leadership.. you're the best guys..super sarap kasama... at syempre di mawawala ang 3 o'clock habit natin :P salamat sa tiwala nyo sa leadership skills ko.. kung wala kayo malamang lost pa rin ako sa PYC :)
ate anne-salamat sa inspirasyon :) salamat sa condo unit at magic sing hehe..
jc at gladys-salamat sa laging pagsuporta pag hindi ko na alam gagawin sa PYC :)

to The Kayleen Effect:
TKE! rock on! it's been a year mula nung makilala ko ang buong banda :) saya ng bonding moments lalo na ung last practice na pinarinig nyo sakin ung mga compo nyo.. you just don't know how proud i am of you guys.. would you venture your heart to love and hurt again? ako na ang LSS sa kanta na yan at ako na adik pakinggan ung silence please... naku kelangan na talaga kumilos ni manager hehe.. i miss you guys.. sana may studio ako para mas madalas ko kayo makasama.. sobrang memorable kasi lahat ng jamming/bonding moments with you :) salamat sa pagiging protectors at sandalan ko kapag nagiging emo.. you guys are very good friends :D

sa huling nakilala at naging kaibigan ko bago matapos ang taon:
jayson-technically di pa pala tayo personally magkakilala pero parang ganun na rin un kasi kilala ko naman barkada :) ikaw na kasi ang busy sa ospital :P


lastly, sa mga impotanteng tao sa 2010:
gelo-kapatid salamat sa pagsama sakin pag wala ako mahatak na kasma.. salamat sa laging pagpapaalala sakin na magsmile ako :)

bhog-mallows salamat sa lahat lalo na sa 9 days simbang gabi at bonding :) ung plan natin sa january ha :) salamat sa pagdamay sakin sa mga panahon na iyakin ako..kelan ba hindi? haha

don-salamat sa lahat ng memories..masaya at hindi lol. i must thank you kasi marami akong natutunan sa loob ng isang taon.. lalong lalo na patience and acceptance.. basta i'm always here as your friend :) hinay hinay lang sa trabaho nakakasira ng pagkakaibigan yan haha joke :P ung next time ha..wag naman next Christmas :P syempre hindi ko makakalimutan ung nangyari nung dec.28 haha bonggang kahihiyan bago natapos ang 2010 at malamang na hindi pa dun ung nagtatapos :))))

jeff-sa pinakamamahal kong best na laging nasa tabi ko para damayan ako sa mga masakit at malungkot na nangyayari sakin.. at sa pagshare ng kasiyahan ko kapag masaya ako.. ang taong kahit di ko madalas makasama eh sigurado akong di ako iiwan.. best, it has been a tough year for me and you were there to give me strenght everytime that i become weak. i also get to know more of your friends through you and i should thank you for that. thank you for reminding me of how special i am. i know you'll be busy with med school in the next years to come but i hope that we could still hang out and have a talk.. syempre mamimiss ko ung mga banat mo lalo na kapag tungkol kay Rockstar :P i love you best :D

thank you everyone :) i love you all :-*

Eat.Pray.Love

Last night, I watched the movie Eat Pray Love starring Julia Roberts. I haven't seen a movie in a cinema for quite sometime and i must admit that the story of this movie really moved me. It moved me because I can relate to the main character, Liz (Julia Roberts).

The story revolved around Liz, finding herself again after deciding to have a divorce with his husband. It featured how she was able to cope up with the pain of losing herself after she got married and how she eventually tried to love herself and find love again. She went to Italy where she savored her appetite with Italian delicacies. Meditated and learn about God in India. And she opened her heart again for love in Bali, Indonesia. In all of these destinations, she met people who taught her lessons about life and love.

It was the perfect movie for me. why? because I've been trying to cope up with the pain I'm feeling now. This movie taught me a lot of lessons and answered a lot of questions in my mind. Honestly, while I was watching it, i feel Liz's friends advice pointing towards me. I feel like I really should watch that movie and listen to the lessons that the movie was teaching me. I realized how much I've lost myself in search of love and now I know that I need to get back to my senses again and love myself more for me to be able to love somebody.

I'm already in the state of Eating and Praying and I really can relate to Liz. As of now, whenever I feel sad and lonely, i eat... at night and i feel so alone, i pray to God. I'm asking Him to help me understand why things happened and why I'm feeling this kind of pain now. It helps a lot - eating and praying. But when it comes to loving again, I must admit that I'm not ready for it as of the moment, not too soon. I'm really afraid now to fall in love again.. afraid of getting hurt again. I know it would take time for me to forget the pain but I also know that God would heal these wounds.

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."