Challenging 2014

2014. A challenging, faith-testing, and heart breaking year in my 27 years of existence. Yet, it was also the year when I realized how blessed and loved I am. As this year closes, I want to record the highlights of my year through this blog entry.

When this year started, I have a heavy load on my shoulder since I already know that I have stage-4 Chronic Kidney Disease. When I talked to God during the first day of the year, my prayer was “Lord, I do not understand what’s happening but let me accept this and allow me to do Your will. I want to serve You more, Lord, just lead me to where and what You want me to do.” I never thought that things would be very difficult for me with each passing day.

During the World Singles Congress 2014 at Batangas, I allowed myself to just pour out everything during our worship and that gave me a lot of hope. It was a very refreshing weekend with my fellow SFL and it helped me to accept the situation I am in at that moment – sick, jobless, heartbroken. I was really empty at that time but God filled me with His love.  It has been God’s way of preparing me for the greatest challenge that I would be facing.

Two weeks after WSC, the doctor told me that my disease progressed rapidly to stage 5. Having that very heavy heart, I run to my Father to pour my heart out. I do not understand why it has to happen, why I have to experience this, yet I still told Him to give me strength because I still would want to serve Him and this sickness won’t stop me from doing it. The following weeks came like a blur. I got confined, got an operation, and has started on dialysis – something I was hoping I wouldn’t go through but I had to. Everything was just like a dream to me, hoping that I would wake up one day and I’m healthy again, but it isn’t. I thought it was the end of everything, there was really this one instance in the hospital when I can’t bear the pain anymore and I asked God to just take me because I can’t stand it anymore.

One night at the hospital, I learned to surrender everything to Him. I was praying to God, telling Him I can’t take it anymore. I was crying so hard that time. My mother was sleeping at the foot of my bed when she suddenly reached for my feet and told me “Anak, kaya mo yan.” I looked at her, and she was still sleeping. I realized it was God telling me that I can do it so that night I surrendered all the hurts and pains to Him.

Those three weeks in the hospital were really the darkest days of my life. On the other hand, it was also the best times when God let me feel His unending love and great power in my life. That realization dawned on me when I attended the Palm Sunday mass at the hospital. It felt like everything that the priest was saying was for me. I was crying during the mass and it was the first time that I felt that I was not just attending but celebrating the mass.  That Holy week, I understood the importance of Jesus’ passion, death and resurrection since I myself was able to experience God. Celebrating His resurrection in my heart was the best feeling that I had during all the darkness that I’ve experienced. It was as if I shared the pain that Jesus had felt thousands of years ago.

That was the turning point of my life. The time when I surrendered everything to God, the time when He showered me with His love and blessings.  It was this time when He made me realize how much I am loved. My family had been my constant source of strength during the times that I wanted to give up, my friends had been my source of happiness in the darkness; they have all been my source of love that time, an overwhelming love I never thought I would ever feel.

I thought I’ve already felt so loved that time, but then God has more surprises for me. Unli Faith had been created by my closest friends in the parish and community. They had organized a project to raise funds for my kidney transplant and for my other expenses. During the film screening, I wanted to cry because of the overwhelming happiness that I felt when I saw a lot of people lined up at the cinema and they were all there to help me – a solid proof of how God provided for me. A lot of help from all the people I encountered in my life came.

God’s plans have been revealed slowly to me. During WSC 2013, I knew that God was telling me to go to missions, that was the constant message that I got during the conference and so I started praying for it. I was thinking what could I share? What could I give? But it was only after everything that happened that I realized that He is using my pains to glorify Him. I had been asked to go to missions and share God’ love and healing power in my life. It was the best experience that I had, sharing to everyone how great our God is if only we learn how to surrender everything to Him. Touching people’s lives, telling them about God, which has been my dream since I started serving in the parish, and now God is slowly making my dreams come true and it is the best feeling in my life.

Everything that happens in our life is a part of God’s great plans for us. We have to learn how to surrender everything to Him and trust in Him. This year, God allowed me to walk on waters and go beyond my limitations as a human being. Everything is grace, the product of God’s unconditional love for us. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the coming year but I am not afraid anymore because God, he has always and will always be with me. I might encounter more challenging experiences but one thing is for sure, if God, my family and friends did not give up on me, then I won’t ever give up on life and will continue serving God no matter what.

2014 has been a challenging, faith-testing, and heart breaking year but with God’s grace, I survived. J