one step at a time

a lot of things had happened in the past weeks and i'm still trying to pick up the pieces of myself. trying to feel ok though deep inside, i feel that something's missing. i'm still searching.. no, i guess i'm still hoping that things will get better soon.. i wanted to talk to someone and just cry everything to him/her... i just want to let it all out... the sad part is... my closest friends are busy and i don't want to disturb them with their own lives so i can't do what i want :(

i'm trying to feel fine..yet it seems to difficult for me because of the situation...i feel so lost...

hurting inside

why do i always end up falling for someone i shouldn't fall for? in the end, i always have to pick up the pieces of my my heart...of myself... i'm so tired of it all... i wish i could tell someone how badly hurt i am right now, yet, i don't know who to turn to...

i hate him! he's done too much damage to me... at first i thought he'd help me move forget about the guy i've been waiting for so long... he did diverted my attention but i think it didn't help me at all for i've fallen for him when i know i shouldn't...when i know he had no plans on pursuing me... definitely he had no plans on getting into a serious relationship with me... he had a lot of girls around her who likes her... i was badly hurt when he told me that he was just sweet and caring because he wanted to win in our deal.. coz i told him before that i would never fall for him and the one who first fall for the other loses... he then said it's just a joke but damn it! it's no joke for me... and how would i consider that as a joke when he totally changed after saying that to me... he's not sweet anymore and i just always hear him talk about his "girls"... i know i'm so stupid to fall for him in the first place but he gave me a reason to fall for him... it's my fault in the first place.. i shouldn't have told him so much about me... i never thought that he'd let me fall by using my weaknesses... i hate it! i shouldn't get hurt, but i feel like he just played with my emotions... :( he makes me happy whenever he's around, whenever we talk, but now? it just hurts me when he says "i love you"... i don't know what he wants me to think when he says that when he also told me that he doesn't want to cross the line.... argh! i just hate this!!!! :'(

way back into love???

haven't posted for sometime about my love life... i feel so happy as of now but at the same time, i also feel lost... lost in thoughts about three guys haha..

i must admit that i'm missing the feeling of being in a relationship. it's been two years since i had a romantic relationship and i really miss the feeling of being loved by someone.. until somebody came.. let's just call him MAP (Mr. Almost Perfect).. that's my codename for him since i started to have a crush on him. but he's so slow. last sunday, he finally told us (me and our common friends) that he likes me, not just as a friend but as a girl and when asked if he wants me to be his girlfriend, he answered yes. that was the happy part of the story. he was then asked why he's still not courting me until now and he said that he wanted to attend a retreat/recollection first so evryone got disappointed coz it only means one thing... i need to wait more...

but why should i wait when there's someone loving me? we'll i hope he's seriously in love with me.. let's just call him CF as in close friend. so he's a close friend of mine who's obviously giving me "signals" and yes, he's telling me "i love you" but i think that's just "i love you friend". what bothers me is that he's getting jealous when i'm with MAP.. and not just with MAP but also with RS.. he's not like this before and i never thought that he'll get jealous with the two other guys because he's been teasing me to those guys, and keeps on telling me to just forget about MAP and just pursue RS. i was really shocked when i found out that he felt jealous during the time that i chose to be with RS than go home with him. i don't know what he's planning to do now but i'm getting nervous coz he likes surprises. i like him but because he told me before that if ever he falls in love with me, he wouldn't cross the line. he'd chose his friends over me, so that's what i'm thinking, that i shouldn't fall for him.. but what's this he's trying to do now? it's so difficult to resist the sweetness.

RS for Rock Star. he would remain as a rock star for me, i wish to see him play the guitar again, and how i wish he'd play a song for me :) the last time i saw him, i was so happy because i was able to see that smile again and it's not everyday that i see him smile. he's a guy with a serious type of personality and i always feel nervous around him coz i don't know what to say or what to talk about, i'm glad that we're starting to get closer to each other and most of the time he's starting the conversation. i know he only likes me as a friend but i really like him and we'll im happy being his close friend but i still wish to be his first and hopefully last girlfriend :)

enough of this insanity. i better go to bed and recharge for tomorrow's work. ^_^