learning from the past

i said i'll go to bed now but still i'm thinking too much so i decided to rummage through my old blog entries...and i suddenly realized that that's where i would find the answers...this is not the first time that i've been in this situation and i should have learned from what happened before...

this time i would "step up"...i'll do it this time...no backsliding...no turning back...i need courage to get what i want...i dont want more what ifs and what could have been...i need answers and i can only get answers if i would face the problem...i hate this confusion and i won't let this confusion empower me...

here's a part of my old blog entry...

"There a lot of decision making process that we have to go through but as of now I think choosing between friendship and love is one of the hardest decision to make. After choosing between the two, you would have to think of answers to those “what ifs” that you have in mind. It’s really hard to fall for your friend especially when you’re really close to each other. You would have to face those hear-breaking moments where he tells you how happy he is with his girlfriend and how much he loves her or worst when he tells you how badly he was hurt because of their break-up. This is really one of those times when you really have to be strong for him and for yourself as well especially when you don’t want him to know that its tearing your heart. Some of my friends tell me that I shouldn’t fall for a friend and they should be off-limits. I always tell them that you could tell your heart to whom it should fall for and to whom it should not. You may tell yourself “I will not fall for him because he is my friend…” I tell you, this is easier said than done because sometimes you fall for someone you vowed never to fall for and when that happens, it’s not easy to stop the feeling. Another dilemma is whether to tell it to him or not. In this case, I think no one can tell you which to choose but your own self. It’s up for you if you are willing to risk the friendship or you are willing to bear the pain because he doesn’t know that he’s hurting you. But what’s confusing me right now is how to know if your friend already likes you. It’s really hard to tell whether he already likes you or not. What if he treats you so special compared to your other friends, does that mean that he likes you? What if his actions show that he likes you but then he has not said a word to tell you that he really likes you? What if everything shows that it’s not mere friendship but then he really never tells a word about it? What if he does things more than what a friend should do? What if he’s just too sweet to resist? I want answers!!! But I know it’s only through him that I can get the right answers but I would never ever ask him!!! Other questions that’s worrying me… What if he just treats you so well because you’re important for him as a friend? …What if you fall for him but then he just sees you as a friend?… What if... you fall for him? … And what if you tell him? … Would he just ignore it? Tell that he loves you too? Or worst, stop seeing you and let go of your friendship?…WHAT IF??? I needed someone to tell me answers to these questions…I’M TORN AND TORMENTED!"
http://stickatology.blogspot.com/2005/08/torn.html

search for answers

the other night i was browsing through my multiply site and looked up at his multiply site... that was the first time that i read through his blogs which dated from 2009-2006...i was started reading through the 2009 entries down to his very first blog entry...while reading through his blog entries, a lot of questions are popping in my mind... that was the first time that i realized that behind his happy personality is a man who had been badly hurt because of love... i was just speculating based on what i read but i felt his pain and realized that maybe...just maybe, this is the reason for his hesitation... i guess he had been hurt bad his past experience and might be afraid to fall in love again... i wanted to talk to him about it but i don't know how...i don't know where to start...

as i was going through his blogs, my fear had dawn back on me... i suddenly realized that my inner fear is still there... my fear of loving and getting hurt again... when he was still my crush my closest friends (especially best) know how much i'm trying to control my feelings... first reason, i don't want to fall for a friend again because i don't want our friendship to get ruined...2nd reason is that i'm afraid to get hurt again... i'm afraid of falling in love for a friend again because i had a bad experience before... it happened during my high school days... i've fallen for my closest friend only to realize that he's falling for our classmate and worst of it, he always tell me about her and he cried and talked to me when they broke up... those we're the hardest times of my life... when i told him about my feelings, he didn't talk to me again... and this happened not just once... i don't want this to happen to us now... i really like him...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

confusion strikes again

i know i shouldn't think too much but i just can't help it...after that night when he texted me with that kinda weird message, i can't help but think about it...when he indirectly told me about waiting, i got confused but i must admit that i also felt happy that time... happy because he wouldn't ask me to wait if there's really "nothing" between us...he wouldn't say that if he doesn't like me at all..right? and i asked him why but he just told me that he can't answer my questions as of now...that added to my confusion since i don't know what to do...though i know i want to wait for him...

patience...i guess i really need to learn about it...and a very patient person and people know that... i don't easily get mad and not that "strict" when it comes to call time, especially if i'm waiting for someone i really want to be with...but now, it's just too difficult for me to do it...why? because i don't know the reasons why he told me that...what's holding him back...and other questions that i wanted to ask him...am i in a rush? no! i'm not in a rush to have a relationship but i want answers... i hate it when i'm not given any reason because i don't know what to do...

i love him...that the only thing i'm sure of as of now...i want to be with him...grow old with him... i know that God has plans for us and i'm in no position to try to intervene to His plans...i just need to wait, wait, and wait on what would happen next... i hope he wouldn't let me wait for too long... but i know i can wait until he's ready...though it's difficult for me because i really want to tell and let him feel how important he is...i want to show my feelings but i can't for i'm afraid that he might not be ready for it yet...i don't want to ruin what we have now...our friendship... i just hope it wouldn't end there...

My AYD Journey

Sleepless nights…pressure…stress are over…but it was all worth it.

Days in the Diocese of Pasig has ended on Nov.23, 2009 when we accompanied the delegates to Mall of Asia for they have gone to the Asian Youth Day proper at Imus, Cavite. Three days of their stay here at the Diocese of Pasig had been very fruitful and full of joy, laughter and happiness.

Months of preparation for the D.I.D…well most of it went well although there had been problems encountered and yet we were able to face all of it. We were able to do it because of each other’s helping hand and of course His guidance. It had been a very memorable experience for me. It was the first time that I have been involved in an international activity that involved a lot of people and I must admit that it has never been easy for me. It was also the first time that I headed a team where most of the members are “stranger” for me at first but they eventually turned out to be good friends. It has never been easy working with people I’ve met for the first time, the steering team, transpo team, and all of the volunteers, yet I was able to do my best, to give what I can just to serve my fellow youth and God. There had been moments when I wanted to give up because of the big responsibility that has been put upon my shoulder but thanks to those people who helped me gain confidence and who gave me strength.

It has been a great experience meeting new people…from the volunteers to the delegates, and being closer to those I already know before. It was nice working with the steering team for I have learned a lot from them…my so called good leaders…they have thought me a lot about leadership and knowing what you can do… I have known limitations and they willingly fill in the gaps. I have learned that there are people who can and who willingly give everything for service, for the youth, and for GOD. They willingly sacrificed their time, effort, money, and everything they could for this event to be a successful one. Personally, I can say that it was all worth it… I enjoyed and learned a lot during the preparation and the event itself… it was a wonderful experience to meet new friends… to meet the delegates… to work with the steering team… to share experiences with the volunteers… to find love… and to find God during this journey.

I’m proud to be one of the volunteers… proud that I have done something I thought I cannot do… proud to serve the youth and proud to serve God.

YAsia Fiesta: Young Asians, Come Together, Share the word, Live the Eucharist. ^_^

mr.almost perfect

haven't been blogging for quite a long time... but i guess this one should be "recorded" here since it's not everyday that i can meet someone like him...

i have known this guy for a year or so...first impression? he's a simple guy and a shy type...and yes i was right...he's simple but not shy... :) he's a bully...a real bully.. :D but he's really a good guy with a good heart...

what really caught my attention was his desire to serve not just God but the people as well... he did not allow anything to be a hindrance in helping other people and that's what i call service... he's also responsible..he whole-heartedly do whatever task is assigned to him and he does it with dedication... he's also a good example of someone who shows humility...

i can't deny the fact that i'm falling for him but i wouldn't let this feeling ruin our friendship and our closeness.. if he's the one that God has sent for me, then I can wait... he's like a living angel sent to show me how it is to really serve God and others...

just can't help it

what's happening to me this time? can't help thinking about someone i shouldn't be thinking...no! there's nothing wrong on thinking about him but not this much!!!

he's even in my dreams...and all i want to do is just to talk to him...be with him...argh! this is so not good!

he's such a good guy..yeah, so good i didn't even realize that i'm liking him too much...

he has a good heart and that's what i like about him...he's always willing to help...a good servant of God, a very respectful guy...

i always like being with him..though he always tries to annoy me, i miss his presence all the time...

i've never been addicted to someone for quite a long time but he's just so addicting :)

i don't know what to do...i want him to know how i feel but i just can't do that...

why? why do i always fall for a friend? :(