Challenging 2014

2014. A challenging, faith-testing, and heart breaking year in my 27 years of existence. Yet, it was also the year when I realized how blessed and loved I am. As this year closes, I want to record the highlights of my year through this blog entry.

When this year started, I have a heavy load on my shoulder since I already know that I have stage-4 Chronic Kidney Disease. When I talked to God during the first day of the year, my prayer was “Lord, I do not understand what’s happening but let me accept this and allow me to do Your will. I want to serve You more, Lord, just lead me to where and what You want me to do.” I never thought that things would be very difficult for me with each passing day.

During the World Singles Congress 2014 at Batangas, I allowed myself to just pour out everything during our worship and that gave me a lot of hope. It was a very refreshing weekend with my fellow SFL and it helped me to accept the situation I am in at that moment – sick, jobless, heartbroken. I was really empty at that time but God filled me with His love.  It has been God’s way of preparing me for the greatest challenge that I would be facing.

Two weeks after WSC, the doctor told me that my disease progressed rapidly to stage 5. Having that very heavy heart, I run to my Father to pour my heart out. I do not understand why it has to happen, why I have to experience this, yet I still told Him to give me strength because I still would want to serve Him and this sickness won’t stop me from doing it. The following weeks came like a blur. I got confined, got an operation, and has started on dialysis – something I was hoping I wouldn’t go through but I had to. Everything was just like a dream to me, hoping that I would wake up one day and I’m healthy again, but it isn’t. I thought it was the end of everything, there was really this one instance in the hospital when I can’t bear the pain anymore and I asked God to just take me because I can’t stand it anymore.

One night at the hospital, I learned to surrender everything to Him. I was praying to God, telling Him I can’t take it anymore. I was crying so hard that time. My mother was sleeping at the foot of my bed when she suddenly reached for my feet and told me “Anak, kaya mo yan.” I looked at her, and she was still sleeping. I realized it was God telling me that I can do it so that night I surrendered all the hurts and pains to Him.

Those three weeks in the hospital were really the darkest days of my life. On the other hand, it was also the best times when God let me feel His unending love and great power in my life. That realization dawned on me when I attended the Palm Sunday mass at the hospital. It felt like everything that the priest was saying was for me. I was crying during the mass and it was the first time that I felt that I was not just attending but celebrating the mass.  That Holy week, I understood the importance of Jesus’ passion, death and resurrection since I myself was able to experience God. Celebrating His resurrection in my heart was the best feeling that I had during all the darkness that I’ve experienced. It was as if I shared the pain that Jesus had felt thousands of years ago.

That was the turning point of my life. The time when I surrendered everything to God, the time when He showered me with His love and blessings.  It was this time when He made me realize how much I am loved. My family had been my constant source of strength during the times that I wanted to give up, my friends had been my source of happiness in the darkness; they have all been my source of love that time, an overwhelming love I never thought I would ever feel.

I thought I’ve already felt so loved that time, but then God has more surprises for me. Unli Faith had been created by my closest friends in the parish and community. They had organized a project to raise funds for my kidney transplant and for my other expenses. During the film screening, I wanted to cry because of the overwhelming happiness that I felt when I saw a lot of people lined up at the cinema and they were all there to help me – a solid proof of how God provided for me. A lot of help from all the people I encountered in my life came.

God’s plans have been revealed slowly to me. During WSC 2013, I knew that God was telling me to go to missions, that was the constant message that I got during the conference and so I started praying for it. I was thinking what could I share? What could I give? But it was only after everything that happened that I realized that He is using my pains to glorify Him. I had been asked to go to missions and share God’ love and healing power in my life. It was the best experience that I had, sharing to everyone how great our God is if only we learn how to surrender everything to Him. Touching people’s lives, telling them about God, which has been my dream since I started serving in the parish, and now God is slowly making my dreams come true and it is the best feeling in my life.

Everything that happens in our life is a part of God’s great plans for us. We have to learn how to surrender everything to Him and trust in Him. This year, God allowed me to walk on waters and go beyond my limitations as a human being. Everything is grace, the product of God’s unconditional love for us. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the coming year but I am not afraid anymore because God, he has always and will always be with me. I might encounter more challenging experiences but one thing is for sure, if God, my family and friends did not give up on me, then I won’t ever give up on life and will continue serving God no matter what.

2014 has been a challenging, faith-testing, and heart breaking year but with God’s grace, I survived. J

happy 6 years

Today is a special day for me and since it is special, this blog entry is for a special man (next to my Father) in my life.

To my dearest best Jeff,

Happy Anniversary! It has been six years since our paths crossed. And today, I want to remind you of the best memories I had with you. :) (NP: Wag Ka Ng Umiyak by Sugarfree... my song for you)


Chem 40.1 (Biochem lab) (2007)
This is when I first met you but we're just lab mates. It was only during those "petiks" moments that I really get to know you. Remember that moment when each one of us was asked by Sir Bry about a certain personal question? I think you remember that because I was asked about my boyfriend at that time. I can't find the pictures we had during our chem 40.1 classes but I still have the ticket during our sem-ender. :)

November 2, 2008. It was this year that we became the best of friends or well it was November 2 when we decided to call each other "best".

I became active in UP BSAP this year since I was a new member then. It was October 2008, during the sem-ender (at the end to be exact) when the ice between us was finally broken because of your question "Kamusta na kayo ng boyfriend mo?" to which I said, "Hindi mo ba alam? Wala na kami..." And there, since the pain was still fresh and I just started talking to people again during that time, I found comfort in sharing that pain with you. I think I should be thankful that I lost him since that was the reason why I found you. :) And since then you have been the number one fan of my lovelife (haha i know you're not)

This photo was taken during our BSAP Christmas Party - our first Christmas as bestfriends. I remembered we had this activity where we need to tie a  string to people we'd like to thank and of course I'm happy that you tied one in my wrist, and I did the same too. :)

Best, do you remember this? These are the bus tickets when we went to UP Manila. It was January 10, 2009 (I wrote the date at the back of the tickets). It was the first time we went out together that's why it's very memorable for me. I loved the bonding we had at Baywalk after. We just talked and get to know each other better and it's simply wonderful.

December 2009 when you introduced me to your band and barkada during your jamming at Red Damien. It was nice seeing the other side of you - the musician. I enjoyed the company of your bandmates who turned out to be good friends of mine too. They're very welcoming and I thank you so much for letting me know people like them.

Year 2010

I was your fan/proud bestfriend when you joined BaCHEle of the Bands. It was one of the memorable experiences for us and BSAP I guess. For me, this was next to ACHEndance where I participated. That was also memorable because you were not able to watch it and watch me dance but you dropped by before it started to give me encouragement and say "Best, bakit ganyan yung damit mo?", pertaining to my semi-daring outfit that night. :))

Happy Valentine's Day! This post at the window of our college really made me smile that V-day. Never thought you'd do this. Simple but sweet. You have another post in that window for your first love where you used chem terms (remember that?) that's sweet. <3 br="" nbsp="">

This photo was taken during your first gig at Center for Arts and me, being the manager of TKE was there to support you though this bar was so far. And again, I was so proud when you started playing on stage.

UP Fair Dates. If I'm not mistaken, these were the UP fair tickets from 2011-2013. I enjoyed going to the fair since we started going there together. It was like our annual date except this year since I was already sick that time. I remembered during 2012, I was holdaped on my way to UP and when I saw you I just hugged you tight and I felt safe again. It was the muddy fair so it turned out to be a different kind of adventure. 2013 fair? haha let's forget about it :-P

This was taken during MP's jam last year, day before our anniversary. I remembered we were not okay before we met so I bought your favorite mango cake  as peace offering. :) We'd been through a lot of fights but I'm glad we get through it and it just made our friendship stronger.

This year, 2014, was the best year of our friendship for me. It was the toughest year in my entire life but you were with me always, fighting with me and giving me strength. It was you who I texted first when I found out about my sickness and you never failed to comfort me all throughout this misery. I will never forget this day (our picture in the hospital) for it was this day that I was so depressed in the hospital and I told you to go but you said you can't because you don't have clothes to wear. I was surprised when I got out of the operating room because Nanay told me that you were there. That effort meant a lot to me, best. 

November 29, 2014, this was the last time we went out after months of not seeing each other. I must admit that I miss you so bad but you know what? I'm happy that you're happy now and you've found the love of your life and of course, I'm your number one fan. We didn't see each other for almost six months but a few hours (with Ramen) was enough to keep our friendship intact.

Best, we've been through a lot. We've shared a lot of happy and sad experiences. I'm happy that our friendship lasted and I believe that we'll be counting more years together. These are just a few of the things that are very memorable for me. Next time, I'll post my favorite conversations (ym, text, and fb) that we had. :) Thank you best for these memories. I would like to tell you how thankful I am that I have a protector like you. You've been very protective to me for the past months and I really appreciate that. I'm guarding my heart because I don't want to cause any trouble to you anymore and because you made me realize my worth as a woman of God. I love you, best! I hope you enjoyed reminiscing with me. :)

Love,

Janers

when love isn't enough

love is too complicated... a cliche statement but we all know that it is true..everyone gets a bit crazy when it comes to love because you cannot and just simply use your intellect when it comes to this topic.yes, you read it right..it is not easy to use your intellect when it comes to love and you also cannot use just pure emotions..that makes it so complicated...

i've loved different guys in the past yet i've never learned to play this game called love. and yes, I am in love now at believe me, it is not easy to love him..he's the type of guy you can fall in love with so easily but what I'm experiencing now is what's not easy.

Andy is the kind of kind you can easily fall for...simply because he's simple..he says what he wants to say. he is a family man, which i like the most...has a good sense of humor...and the most important quality that I'm looking for in a guy - he is God fearing and a servant as well. he didn't come from a well-off family but he has a good heart. he is sensitive to the feelings of the people around him...and he cares a lot.. I could list more qualities here but let's get it to the point...Yes, I'm in love with this guys.. truly, madly, deeply in love with this guy.

we had been going out since november last year just to get to know each other more and through time, things had changed a lot. we had been more intimate now and yet, he doesn't love me. yes, he doesn't love me despite the fact that i'm deeply in love with him. why? i don't know as well.. and as i've said, we're intimate with each other..we hold hands when we go out..well, not everytime or the whole time but should we do that if there's nothing going on between us..and how many times have i cried over him? i cannot remember but one big deal between us was a girl..a friend of him since high school (if i remember it right)..who is in love with him as well..but yes, i said "was a girl"...well, basically because just a few days ago, he told me that he's sure now that he's not in love with the girl..he thought he likes her but now he's sure that he only like her as a friend...

just a few days ago i was crying every night just because of him and the girl...well, we've been seeing each other every day for months because I just like hanging out with them in the church..and that's been my way of releasing stress from everything..just being with him, just being there beside him, makes me feel better everyday...but then a week ago, that was wednesday, he told me that he already said goodbye to the girl..and of course I was happy but not for long..after a few minutes he also told me that we won't be seeing each other as well..that I should not go there (church) everyday and that he wants to be alone...and i was like "why me? why did you suddenly decided to do that? i'm not her" but of course i didn't tell that to him..i just told him that it's ok..if that's what he really wants.and so there goes my dark days...yes, i was crying every night thinking why..and until now i still don't have the answers...

i've been doing everything for him and yet i think love isn't enough...so now i'm asking myself if it is still right to love him...


Y by Parokya ni Edgar

Search your mind for the questions


Of the answers that I seek

Close your eyes just imagine

Us together walking down the street



Do you think this is crazy

I don't know that of which I speak

I don't care just as long as you are there

Watching, listening, or swaying to the beat



Tell me why should it matter

Tell me why should I even care

Of the things that could go wrong

Baby I can't hold for long

For you to know that I am there

Tell me why



Hear the words that I'm saying

Hear them echo in your heart

For I know at this moment



I know that I have done my part...done my part

A Sweet Day

For the longest time, I haven't been in a real date. Yesterday, I went out with someone special. We had been planning to go out together for a week or two but it was only yesterday that we finally went out. I was s nervous (yeah, like falling in love for the first time :D) because I don't know what to expect. Another thing that made me nervous was someone who saw us before we left our place - the girl who likes him. He was confused at first why I'm trying to avoid her but she saw us so no more reason to hide, I explained everything to him.

We went to a mall and I was glad that the first place we visited was the church in that mall. It was my first time to enter that church, and it was his first also. It feels so good praying there, beside him. I cannot explain why but it feels like we were praying for the same thing - that is, for God to guide our feelings. Why did I say it? Because the night before our date, we were talking about how we feel for each other and we really don't know exactly what it is but we told each other to just pray for it. I prayed that if this feeling is not right, then may God take it away from me now. However, I felt a different kind of happiness yesterday while I was with him. Happiness that is not caused just by feelings. I don't know how to explain it but it was a different kind of happiness - a serene and sweet happiness maybe.

I've known him for a few months and we've been close just after he celebrated his 21st birthday (oh yeah, I'm older). We've been texting for the past few weeks and I don't know where and when it started but our friendship seemed to take one step further. Is he courting me? I don't know. But he did tell me that he likes me and I've got what he is looking for in a girl. He's such a sweet guy and a perfect gentleman. It was funny because I'm not useed to being with gentleman. I've got a lot of guy friends but they're really not gentlemen because they treat me as a guy :D.

Anyway, after visitng and praying at the Chapel of the Eucharistic Lord, we went to timezone for videoke :D. He was telling me about our common friends who had a relationship and used to go to the same place to sing. Then, I thought he wanted to eat at DQ after singing because that's the main reason why we went out together - to eat ice cream. But when we get to DQ he told me that we should eat lunch first so we had lunch at SisigHooray! This was one of my favorite part of the said date because we had the chance to talk seriously. We talked about each other. He told me about his family and his friends and I don't know why I felt so close to him that time. He doesn't usually speak much but that time he was the one talking the most, and asking me questions. He was sharing a part of himself to me and I find that sweet. So finally we went to Dairy Queen to eat blizzard. Since DQ was full of people eating ice cream on a rainy day, we decided to walk again around the mall. We went to Worlds of fun but since we're still eating, we didn't entetr the store, instead we sat at the bench outide. This part was cute. A man was sitting in between us and we're sitting at both ends of the bench but we were texting each other. I can't help but smile coz even if we are not sitting beside each other, we still found a way to talk. Then after finishing the ice cream, we finally went inside the store and played game. He used most of the tokens in the game where you can get a stuffed toy but unfortunately, he wasn't able to get one. He told me that he wanted to give it to me if ever he would be able to get one.

So that was most of the story. That night, when I got home from work, he told me he was happy to be with me and to have time to talk to me personally. He told me he's not sure of what he's feeling but he's really happy to be with me. He told me that he missed me during the 24 hour period that we didn't text each other (sweet^_^).

As of now, we don't know and I don't know where this feelings will lead us but as I said, we were both praying for it. I feels good to be guided by God's will. And by the way, I met him at our church :)

back to my senses again

i'm back to my own self again :) yeah seriously i've been out of my mind in the past two weeks.. i even thought of leaving PYC for a while because i really don't know what to do..

i wasn't thinking straight during those times..i just felt "emo".. with my broken heart and my tears, i talked to my friends and told them my idea of leaving and much to my surprise... they got mad of me, and almost told me that i'm insane :))

that woke me up from my insanity, realizing that i shouldn't leave my position and of course my friends just because of one person.. he's just one and a lot of people will be affected if i leave.. i realized now that a lot of people love me and i'm just focusing on one person that's why i didn't notice it... they had always been there for me during my "emo" moments and i was just too preoccupied with the thought of happiness..the wrong thought of happiness that relies on one person alone...

one of my friends told me "kaya mo magmove on kung gugusthin mo".. and yes he was right. it's just a matter convincing myself that he's not the world :))

i am decided now... i'll focus on serving God and forget all the heartache :D i want to continue serving for my fellow youth and because this makes me happy.. i had been serving for the past 7 years of my life and more to come.. i'm moving on.. this time, believe me, i'm really moving on for the better.. ^_^

my wonderful 2010

year 2010 had been a great year for me, there had been a lot of trials yet i was able to surpass them all because of the people around me.. because of that, i think it's just right to thank those people now :)

una syempre sa family ko who were always there to support and love me. :)

to SG:
girls... sobrang miss ko na kayong lahat..salamat sa bonding moments at sa tulong sa thesis.. namimiss ko ung pagkain natin ng lunch together..salamat sa mga panahon na kasama ko kayo lalo na nung depressed ako ng bongga.

to my PYC family:
grabe and dami-dami nating pinagdaanan nitong taon.. as in sobrang dami.. haha nakita nyo na ako mabadtrip ng bonggang bongga because of irresponsibility.. i hope maging maayos na lahat sa PYC.. ayoko mawala as officer ng hindi ko naaayos ang mga bagay bagay.. saka pag nawala ako alam ko naman alam nyo na dapat gawin eh.. tandaan natin ang mga natutunan natin this year ok? :)
ryan-sobrang salamat sa laging pagpapasaya sakin pag alam mong down ako :) salamat din sa gift
geril-anak.. haha marami pa tayo pagsasamahan..salamat sa pagsunod sa demands namin kkahit minsan sobrang rush :)
jem-salamat sa mga bonding sa inyo at salamat sa efforts mo lalo na pagdating samin haha :P (gets?)


to my JLC family:
dami natin bonding moments this year and i must say na ito ung year na naging super close tayo sa isa't isa.. sayang di na tayo nakapag Christmas party.. at syempre naglevel up tayo this year :) sana mas madami pa bonding moments this year :P di ko makakalimutan ung bonding nung birthday ni Mikabelles! :) at syempre ung mga bonding sa tiende :)
Mika-siss super salamat sa mga stories :)
Mel-salamat sa pakikinig at pagdamay sakin that night :) (alam mo na yun)
ate angel-salamat sa panlilibre samin palage at sa pagpapasaya samin :)

to my PDYM family:
dami kong natutunan sa inyo..lalo na on leadership.. you're the best guys..super sarap kasama... at syempre di mawawala ang 3 o'clock habit natin :P salamat sa tiwala nyo sa leadership skills ko.. kung wala kayo malamang lost pa rin ako sa PYC :)
ate anne-salamat sa inspirasyon :) salamat sa condo unit at magic sing hehe..
jc at gladys-salamat sa laging pagsuporta pag hindi ko na alam gagawin sa PYC :)

to The Kayleen Effect:
TKE! rock on! it's been a year mula nung makilala ko ang buong banda :) saya ng bonding moments lalo na ung last practice na pinarinig nyo sakin ung mga compo nyo.. you just don't know how proud i am of you guys.. would you venture your heart to love and hurt again? ako na ang LSS sa kanta na yan at ako na adik pakinggan ung silence please... naku kelangan na talaga kumilos ni manager hehe.. i miss you guys.. sana may studio ako para mas madalas ko kayo makasama.. sobrang memorable kasi lahat ng jamming/bonding moments with you :) salamat sa pagiging protectors at sandalan ko kapag nagiging emo.. you guys are very good friends :D

sa huling nakilala at naging kaibigan ko bago matapos ang taon:
jayson-technically di pa pala tayo personally magkakilala pero parang ganun na rin un kasi kilala ko naman barkada :) ikaw na kasi ang busy sa ospital :P


lastly, sa mga impotanteng tao sa 2010:
gelo-kapatid salamat sa pagsama sakin pag wala ako mahatak na kasma.. salamat sa laging pagpapaalala sakin na magsmile ako :)

bhog-mallows salamat sa lahat lalo na sa 9 days simbang gabi at bonding :) ung plan natin sa january ha :) salamat sa pagdamay sakin sa mga panahon na iyakin ako..kelan ba hindi? haha

don-salamat sa lahat ng memories..masaya at hindi lol. i must thank you kasi marami akong natutunan sa loob ng isang taon.. lalong lalo na patience and acceptance.. basta i'm always here as your friend :) hinay hinay lang sa trabaho nakakasira ng pagkakaibigan yan haha joke :P ung next time ha..wag naman next Christmas :P syempre hindi ko makakalimutan ung nangyari nung dec.28 haha bonggang kahihiyan bago natapos ang 2010 at malamang na hindi pa dun ung nagtatapos :))))

jeff-sa pinakamamahal kong best na laging nasa tabi ko para damayan ako sa mga masakit at malungkot na nangyayari sakin.. at sa pagshare ng kasiyahan ko kapag masaya ako.. ang taong kahit di ko madalas makasama eh sigurado akong di ako iiwan.. best, it has been a tough year for me and you were there to give me strenght everytime that i become weak. i also get to know more of your friends through you and i should thank you for that. thank you for reminding me of how special i am. i know you'll be busy with med school in the next years to come but i hope that we could still hang out and have a talk.. syempre mamimiss ko ung mga banat mo lalo na kapag tungkol kay Rockstar :P i love you best :D

thank you everyone :) i love you all :-*

Eat.Pray.Love

Last night, I watched the movie Eat Pray Love starring Julia Roberts. I haven't seen a movie in a cinema for quite sometime and i must admit that the story of this movie really moved me. It moved me because I can relate to the main character, Liz (Julia Roberts).

The story revolved around Liz, finding herself again after deciding to have a divorce with his husband. It featured how she was able to cope up with the pain of losing herself after she got married and how she eventually tried to love herself and find love again. She went to Italy where she savored her appetite with Italian delicacies. Meditated and learn about God in India. And she opened her heart again for love in Bali, Indonesia. In all of these destinations, she met people who taught her lessons about life and love.

It was the perfect movie for me. why? because I've been trying to cope up with the pain I'm feeling now. This movie taught me a lot of lessons and answered a lot of questions in my mind. Honestly, while I was watching it, i feel Liz's friends advice pointing towards me. I feel like I really should watch that movie and listen to the lessons that the movie was teaching me. I realized how much I've lost myself in search of love and now I know that I need to get back to my senses again and love myself more for me to be able to love somebody.

I'm already in the state of Eating and Praying and I really can relate to Liz. As of now, whenever I feel sad and lonely, i eat... at night and i feel so alone, i pray to God. I'm asking Him to help me understand why things happened and why I'm feeling this kind of pain now. It helps a lot - eating and praying. But when it comes to loving again, I must admit that I'm not ready for it as of the moment, not too soon. I'm really afraid now to fall in love again.. afraid of getting hurt again. I know it would take time for me to forget the pain but I also know that God would heal these wounds.

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

when September ended

so now all is clear... well, at least most of my questions had been answered when September ended..

September 28 at around 10pm

him: may lakad ka ba bukas?

me: wala naman. why?

him: i think we need to talk

me: hhmmm about?

him: everything

this conversation startled me and made me so nervous... i was thinking what he's going to say.. i sent a message to his brother who was also surprised by the news. i must admit that i can't get over that message and we talked for about an hour or two...talking about random stuff.. i thought i'm going to collapse while we we're having a conversation in YM. that night, i find it hard to sleep..thinking about the positive and negative things that could happen.. i kept on thinking more of the positive since we had our normal, fun conversation..

September 29

(around 8am) i got a text message from the "other" guy asking me about the status message of the guy and i asked which status message and he said "bukas malalaman ko kung sino ang mga tunay kong kaibigan".. i apanicked upon reading this message.. i didn't see this status message and it already hit me.. what he's going to say isn't something positive..

i was bothered by the thought the whole day and i was trying not to think about it so i busied myself with the task at hand.. and around 5pm he texted me telling me that he still has a lot of work to do so we'll just meet the next day.. i was so disappointed 'coz i want to clear things that moment..i want to stop thinking of the what's and if's..

September 30 around 8pm

we met somewhere..had dinner and talked... i wasn't comfortable the whole time since he arrived because i felt that he's so nervous and i was too.. so we started talking about "everything".. he really doesn't know what to say, and i kept on telling him "ano na? sabihin mo na kasi"... it was an EPIC FAIL moment, coz it's just like a guessing game..he wants me to say what i was thinking and je'll just confirm it.. but when he said.. "they say, break it to me gently", i already understood.. then i told him "say it" and he said that's it's like a magnet "nagrerepel"...

i wasn't really prepared for that moment, and he wasn't as well.. it's just funny that when i already felt my tears are gonna fall, he handed me a choknut... as of now, we're back to normal..nothing has actually changed though i must admit that it hit me so hard, waiting for someone for almost a year only to find out that he just can't love me

one step at a time

a lot of things had happened in the past weeks and i'm still trying to pick up the pieces of myself. trying to feel ok though deep inside, i feel that something's missing. i'm still searching.. no, i guess i'm still hoping that things will get better soon.. i wanted to talk to someone and just cry everything to him/her... i just want to let it all out... the sad part is... my closest friends are busy and i don't want to disturb them with their own lives so i can't do what i want :(

i'm trying to feel fine..yet it seems to difficult for me because of the situation...i feel so lost...

hurting inside

why do i always end up falling for someone i shouldn't fall for? in the end, i always have to pick up the pieces of my my heart...of myself... i'm so tired of it all... i wish i could tell someone how badly hurt i am right now, yet, i don't know who to turn to...

i hate him! he's done too much damage to me... at first i thought he'd help me move forget about the guy i've been waiting for so long... he did diverted my attention but i think it didn't help me at all for i've fallen for him when i know i shouldn't...when i know he had no plans on pursuing me... definitely he had no plans on getting into a serious relationship with me... he had a lot of girls around her who likes her... i was badly hurt when he told me that he was just sweet and caring because he wanted to win in our deal.. coz i told him before that i would never fall for him and the one who first fall for the other loses... he then said it's just a joke but damn it! it's no joke for me... and how would i consider that as a joke when he totally changed after saying that to me... he's not sweet anymore and i just always hear him talk about his "girls"... i know i'm so stupid to fall for him in the first place but he gave me a reason to fall for him... it's my fault in the first place.. i shouldn't have told him so much about me... i never thought that he'd let me fall by using my weaknesses... i hate it! i shouldn't get hurt, but i feel like he just played with my emotions... :( he makes me happy whenever he's around, whenever we talk, but now? it just hurts me when he says "i love you"... i don't know what he wants me to think when he says that when he also told me that he doesn't want to cross the line.... argh! i just hate this!!!! :'(

way back into love???

haven't posted for sometime about my love life... i feel so happy as of now but at the same time, i also feel lost... lost in thoughts about three guys haha..

i must admit that i'm missing the feeling of being in a relationship. it's been two years since i had a romantic relationship and i really miss the feeling of being loved by someone.. until somebody came.. let's just call him MAP (Mr. Almost Perfect).. that's my codename for him since i started to have a crush on him. but he's so slow. last sunday, he finally told us (me and our common friends) that he likes me, not just as a friend but as a girl and when asked if he wants me to be his girlfriend, he answered yes. that was the happy part of the story. he was then asked why he's still not courting me until now and he said that he wanted to attend a retreat/recollection first so evryone got disappointed coz it only means one thing... i need to wait more...

but why should i wait when there's someone loving me? we'll i hope he's seriously in love with me.. let's just call him CF as in close friend. so he's a close friend of mine who's obviously giving me "signals" and yes, he's telling me "i love you" but i think that's just "i love you friend". what bothers me is that he's getting jealous when i'm with MAP.. and not just with MAP but also with RS.. he's not like this before and i never thought that he'll get jealous with the two other guys because he's been teasing me to those guys, and keeps on telling me to just forget about MAP and just pursue RS. i was really shocked when i found out that he felt jealous during the time that i chose to be with RS than go home with him. i don't know what he's planning to do now but i'm getting nervous coz he likes surprises. i like him but because he told me before that if ever he falls in love with me, he wouldn't cross the line. he'd chose his friends over me, so that's what i'm thinking, that i shouldn't fall for him.. but what's this he's trying to do now? it's so difficult to resist the sweetness.

RS for Rock Star. he would remain as a rock star for me, i wish to see him play the guitar again, and how i wish he'd play a song for me :) the last time i saw him, i was so happy because i was able to see that smile again and it's not everyday that i see him smile. he's a guy with a serious type of personality and i always feel nervous around him coz i don't know what to say or what to talk about, i'm glad that we're starting to get closer to each other and most of the time he's starting the conversation. i know he only likes me as a friend but i really like him and we'll im happy being his close friend but i still wish to be his first and hopefully last girlfriend :)

enough of this insanity. i better go to bed and recharge for tomorrow's work. ^_^

my 23rd birthday! :)

I'm 23 now and still not getting a life LOL.. i had a great birthday celebration this year and it's one of the most memorable birthday that i've had since i
didn't make any effort in celebrating, my friends did...and it's not just a day but almost a week-long celebration.. what happened was not what i had expected, full of surprises.. the funny thing is that on the exact day of my birthday, i was just at our house..people had been thinking that i'll be busy that day, but the truth is that i stayed at home, sleep, took care of my cousins and that's it :) and the day after it, three of my closest friend wanted to go out with me but of course i just chose one :)

July 4, 2010
2pm: i met Gladys at SAAP since we decided to go out, if you know my first wish, you'll know why i asked her to go out that day :) while we we're on our way to Mega mall i told her about Ryan's text message telling me that we need to start the countdown. and she just said "countdown ng birthday nya?" and i just laughed at it then told her that what he's referring to is 24-hour countdown of my birthday and Gladys just laughed at it because she really doesn't know it. so when we got to the mall, she treat me at Crepes and Creams and we talked for about two hours..she just let me talk :) wish no.1 granted

around 5pm: we arrived at our church's conference room for we'll be having our monthly Parish Youth Council meeting. the first thing they noticed about me was my hair and they said "Basya?" and all throughout the meeting they we're teasing Don, asking him what he plans to do for my birthday.

after the meeting, Don, Jem and I went to "tapsihan" cause they don't want me to go without celebrating my birthday with them. much to my surprise, I was able to convince Don to eat veggies that night :) before he ate the cabbage and carrots he just said "happy birthday" (FYI: he doesn't eat veggies so it was an achievement for me)

me and Don at Tapsihan ng palatiw

after eating they still don't want to go home, and i said i like to eat ice cream. so we dropped by the nearest convenience store and Don bought ice cream for me :) and then we went to our house to eat the ice cream :)

July 5, 2010

as i've said, i just stayed at home. we didn't have a celebration since our family is planning to have just one celebration for me, Anton, Papa and Marti.. the July birthday celebrators :)

me and Adrian...i like my new hairstyle :)

July 6, 2010

i had an interview at DanAsia, Inc that morning and when i got home i received a message from Don asking me what time i would like to watch Eclipse and i said we'll just meet that night around 7pm since we're watching the last full show. and after that, Jan texted me asking me if i still have the energy to go out and watch a movie with him :) and i said it's ok as long as i can still go to Megamall by 7pm. so we met at SM centerpoint and ate at Odd Balls :) i like their fishballs but not the Chinese gulaman :| there's something in the gulaman, an odd taste, but i don't know what it was :) i had fun with Jan and actually, i cancelled the movie date that night :)) (he doesn't want me to see his doppelganger :))) and since i was enjoying his company, i decided to tell Don to just reschedule our movie date and he agreed to it since he's still sleepy when i texted him:))

our cool movie tickets (cool because it only costs 16 Php)

i had so much fun with Jan, knowing he's a real joker but that day, i've seen another side of his personality, which i enjoyed a lot :)

July 7, 2010

The other guy who asked me out that day (July6) was Ryan, my churchmate :). he texted me that day asking me if we could meet but i was on my way to Sta.Mesa that day so i told him to just meet me the next day. when we met around 6pm i was laughing at him because he bought a lot of noodles and pancit canton and i asked him "is that the surprise?" and he was just laughing. we talked for while and afterwards he gave a plastic containing an envelope and he told me to just open it when i got home. i was thinking what it was coz he told me i would really be surprised and when i opened it, i can't help but laugh..yeah i laughed at what i saw inside...some BPI stuff, a card and a novel..haha no, what i mean is a letter, a long letter from him which contains our funny moments together...i was surprised because he still remembered when we first met.. and everything written on the letter was our story... it was like I was talking to him while i was reading it because he even included his expressions on the letter. :) and well, he achieved the purpose of his letter - to surprise and make me laugh. :)

but wait there's more.. :) i'll be watching eclipse with Don tonight :)

fun! fun! fun! birthday celebration :)

wish wish wish

2 days left before my birthday.. i don't know if i should get excited or not..yet i'm hoping that the day would be a great day.. i'm thinking of things i want for my birthday and here they are (in no particular order)

-let everything out of my chest (i've been thinking a lot in the past few days)
-have a UP jacket and new UP shirt
-be with my closest friends
-have a date with my top 3 crushes :)) (MAP,UC and Rockstar xD)
-Blue Boy Bites Back album
-have a job, love life, social life :))
-food! Black forest or blue berry cheese cake (yummy)
-be with TKE again :)


i can't think of anything else :)) simple wishes for my birthday! i just want to be happy on that day, and i'd be happy if i'll be with my loved ones during that special day :)

someone i shouldn't fall for

last night, i had a dream about my rockstar crush...well, yes! he's a rockstar (well for me he is indeed a rockstar)the dream was kinda weird for me, because in my dream, we were with his friends (who i haven't met yet) and they locked us up in a room, just the two of us. i can't remember much of the details but i remembered that we held each others hands :)

he's someone so interesting. why? coz he's musically inclined, tall, silent type of guy yet he has deep thoughts :) well, his expertise in guitar was the reason why i like him. his personality was the first thing that attracted me when we first met, then the "crush" feeling fade away until i saw his video where he was playing the guitar...i was stunned by the way he played the guitar. i get to like him more when i saw him play the guitar in person :) he was so into the music that i can't help but stare at him...

after saying all this things, i know that i shouldn't fall for this guy for quite a few reasons. he's like an award i would never ever get. it's just COMPLICATED!


"would you venture your heart to love and hurt again?"

holy week activities

This year's holy week celebration is the most fruitful holy week I've celebrated so far...we've done several activities and I attended the parish's activities for the whole week...

Holy Monday - Parish "Daan ng Krus" was held and we walked around the community to commemorate Christ's Passion...it was a tiring activity but I was able to pray and remember what God has done for us...

Holy Tuesday - the Parish Youth Council was assigned to join the "Pabasa" which was held at the delos Remedios hall of San Antonio Abad Parish...that was the first time that I attended a pabasa, when i was a child i just hear it from our neighbors..after the pabasa, we prayed the rosary...

Holy Wednesday - we attended the mass before the procession...we also joined the procession and prayed...a lot of people attended the procession...

Maundy Thursday - this was the most tiring day of the week..we attended the Chrism mass at 6 am in the Immaculate Conception Cathedral where all the priests of our Diocese were there to renew their vows...we were there to support our new parish priest Fr. Darwin Calderon...after the Chrism mass, we went to our parish to have breakfast and then we started cleaning the church and arranged the seats for the mass in the afternoon...around 12:30 we went to Manila to conduct Visita Iglesia..we went to different churches in Manila...we visited the Manila Cathedral, San Agustin Parish, Basilica of San Lorenzo Ruiz, San Sebastian Parish, St. Jude Parish, San Beda, St.Anthony de Padua and Loreto Parish...I was so amazed with the beauty of each of the churches that we visited...a lot of people are also visiting those different churches...in each of the parishes, I told God the desires of my heart (there were 3 as of now)...Gladys, Jem, JC, Don and I were so tired because we just walked to go to the other parishes and it was so hot that day but I enjoyed it a lot because of the designs of the church, the bonding that we had and of course because I felt God's presence in each church...around 4:30pm we went back to Pasig and headed to Don's house to freshen up and for him to be able to dress up since he's one of the Apostles in the mass :)..6:00pm, we attended the mass: washing of the feet and the Lord's supper... i felt already exhausted during the mass but the homily was good and i really tried to stay awake...after the mass we had dinner and went back to the church because we're assigned for the vigil at 11pm...during the vigil, I was able to pray solemnly since there were moments of reflections...when i got home around 12:30 my body felt so exhausted but i can say that my spirit was so high because of the reflections and prayers that i made during the day...

Good Friday - well because i was so tired yesterday, i woke up around 12 nn at i watched the 7 last words on TV...at 3pm i went to the church to attend the mass...after the mass, was the procession where there were more people compared to last Wednesday's procession....

Black Saturday and Easter Sunday - tomorrow we will have the Easter egg painting and we'll attend the easter vigil at 9pm...and we're going to attend the "salubong" on sunday at 5am..we're going to give the easter eggs to the children who'll attend the mass...

it's a tiring week but i really had a great time with my friends and i feel like i'm closer to God...I offer to him everything that I'm doing...I'm happy serving God and i will never get tired of serving Him because I love Him...here's a video of "we are the reason", i love this song because it reminds me of God's love to us...

always the bestfriend

just had some realizations lately...it's so funny why i always fall for a friend but always end up as the bestfriend... yeah, maybe i'm just not the girlfriend material but a bestfriend material...it happened not just once...it happens all the time...

i don't know why i always fall for a friend...maybe it's because of the closeness that we have and the comfort that they are giving me whenever i'm down...the first time that i experienced falling for a friend and getting hurt was when i was in high school..i've fallen for a close friend and was hurt many times because he tells me almost everything when it comes to his girlfriend (who happened to be our classmate as well)...the most hurtful moment was when they broke up and he gave me a piece of paper where he told me that he wanted to die...we talked over the phone that night and he was crying and on the other side of the line..i was silently crying with him...he doesn't even know that time that i love him 'coz if he knew then maybe he wouldn't be telling me everything...the sad part was when i told him the truth...he never talked to me again...

this happened twice in college...during my first year, well, another sad ending...i don't know why he got mad at me...after i left UP Manila i thought we would still be ok but then i don't know why he got mad at me and he chose to ignore me...until now, it's still a blur to me...we we're ok back then but suddenly he doesn't want to talk to me anymore....it happened again in UPD...I became close to someone who i never thought would be a very close friend to me... i chose not to let him know what i really feel for him...and i've chosen not to expect for anything in return...until now, i'm silently loving him...i wanted him to know but i would never risk our friendship this time because i don't want to lose him...i'll be contented in letting him feel that i'm always here for him...it just makes me sad whenever he's hurt...sometimes i just want to tell him "andito naman kasi ako, mahal kita"...but as i've said, i would not do that...

this time, i'm close to a person who i want to be with for a long time...what's the real score? i really don't know...i just know that he told me that he's not yet ready for a commitment and i can't do anything about that...he's always beside me, making me laugh most of the time...lifting me up whenever i'm down... i don't know where it would end...but i'm hoping that we would end up being together but if not, then i guess that's what's meant to be...i cannot force him to love me back...i just can't help falling for him...but i told myself that i wouldn't expect for anything this time...i would just enjoy his company, his sweetness....

first time

Feb.4,2010...the day when best hugged me for the first time...big deal? yeah coz i really want to hug him ever since but i'm too shy to do so but now, he did it and i really feel glad coz it's in the right timing...i was so tired and felt so alone the whole day, doing my thesis and still alone at our tambayan when he came and hugged me...that hug took away all the stress that i felt for the whole day...i missed best so much though it was just a week or so when we last saw each other...i always miss best 'coz i can be myself when i'm with him and i feel secured and contented whenever i'm with him...

honestly, his presence made me realize that i don't need a boyfriend anyway...i have a best like him who doesn't judge me, who's always beside me, who understands and love me for who i am...most importantly, he'll be with me no matter what...with him i feel special...he's someone i wouldn't want to lose...ever! i want to show him that he's one of the most important guys in my life right now...i love my best and that wouldn't change no matter what :D

hoping....

i was shocked last night when i've read my best's status in FB...i texted him immediately but that didn't change my mood...he texted me this afternoon to thank me and well, he still didn't forget telling me that he's hoping that i'm ok...that touched me so much...he's now faced with a big problem and yet he still thinks about me...my best, he's just extraordinary....

he just texted me a while ago and for the second time i was shocked and saddened because he and his family is faced with two difficult situations now...i don't know what to do...i wish i could be there beside him and tell him that everything would be ok...i wish i could be beside him so he wouldn't feel alone...all i can do to help him now is to pray for his mom and dad...

honestly, at times i envy best for having a great family...i haven't met them personally except for his dad but from his stories, i know that he has a great family, which i don't have... this is one reason why i really feel sad now because i know that he loves his family so much...

i know he doesn't know this but everytime that he's sad, hurt, i feel twice the pain... i don't want it when he's depressed... i just want him to be happy...whenever he's down, i just wish i could make him feel ok...i'm wishing i could do something for him now...hoping he'll be ok...

i told him before that i dedicate this song to him...and i want him to know..."hindi kita bibitawan"

learning from the past

i said i'll go to bed now but still i'm thinking too much so i decided to rummage through my old blog entries...and i suddenly realized that that's where i would find the answers...this is not the first time that i've been in this situation and i should have learned from what happened before...

this time i would "step up"...i'll do it this time...no backsliding...no turning back...i need courage to get what i want...i dont want more what ifs and what could have been...i need answers and i can only get answers if i would face the problem...i hate this confusion and i won't let this confusion empower me...

here's a part of my old blog entry...

"There a lot of decision making process that we have to go through but as of now I think choosing between friendship and love is one of the hardest decision to make. After choosing between the two, you would have to think of answers to those “what ifs” that you have in mind. It’s really hard to fall for your friend especially when you’re really close to each other. You would have to face those hear-breaking moments where he tells you how happy he is with his girlfriend and how much he loves her or worst when he tells you how badly he was hurt because of their break-up. This is really one of those times when you really have to be strong for him and for yourself as well especially when you don’t want him to know that its tearing your heart. Some of my friends tell me that I shouldn’t fall for a friend and they should be off-limits. I always tell them that you could tell your heart to whom it should fall for and to whom it should not. You may tell yourself “I will not fall for him because he is my friend…” I tell you, this is easier said than done because sometimes you fall for someone you vowed never to fall for and when that happens, it’s not easy to stop the feeling. Another dilemma is whether to tell it to him or not. In this case, I think no one can tell you which to choose but your own self. It’s up for you if you are willing to risk the friendship or you are willing to bear the pain because he doesn’t know that he’s hurting you. But what’s confusing me right now is how to know if your friend already likes you. It’s really hard to tell whether he already likes you or not. What if he treats you so special compared to your other friends, does that mean that he likes you? What if his actions show that he likes you but then he has not said a word to tell you that he really likes you? What if everything shows that it’s not mere friendship but then he really never tells a word about it? What if he does things more than what a friend should do? What if he’s just too sweet to resist? I want answers!!! But I know it’s only through him that I can get the right answers but I would never ever ask him!!! Other questions that’s worrying me… What if he just treats you so well because you’re important for him as a friend? …What if you fall for him but then he just sees you as a friend?… What if... you fall for him? … And what if you tell him? … Would he just ignore it? Tell that he loves you too? Or worst, stop seeing you and let go of your friendship?…WHAT IF??? I needed someone to tell me answers to these questions…I’M TORN AND TORMENTED!"
http://stickatology.blogspot.com/2005/08/torn.html

search for answers

the other night i was browsing through my multiply site and looked up at his multiply site... that was the first time that i read through his blogs which dated from 2009-2006...i was started reading through the 2009 entries down to his very first blog entry...while reading through his blog entries, a lot of questions are popping in my mind... that was the first time that i realized that behind his happy personality is a man who had been badly hurt because of love... i was just speculating based on what i read but i felt his pain and realized that maybe...just maybe, this is the reason for his hesitation... i guess he had been hurt bad his past experience and might be afraid to fall in love again... i wanted to talk to him about it but i don't know how...i don't know where to start...

as i was going through his blogs, my fear had dawn back on me... i suddenly realized that my inner fear is still there... my fear of loving and getting hurt again... when he was still my crush my closest friends (especially best) know how much i'm trying to control my feelings... first reason, i don't want to fall for a friend again because i don't want our friendship to get ruined...2nd reason is that i'm afraid to get hurt again... i'm afraid of falling in love for a friend again because i had a bad experience before... it happened during my high school days... i've fallen for my closest friend only to realize that he's falling for our classmate and worst of it, he always tell me about her and he cried and talked to me when they broke up... those we're the hardest times of my life... when i told him about my feelings, he didn't talk to me again... and this happened not just once... i don't want this to happen to us now... i really like him...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8